This Valentine's Day, I have been reflecting on the relationship advice that I have received over the years. At times it was difficult to find godly advice, as worldly wisdom is more readily available! I have had to be intentional in seeking out wisdom and practical advice from Christian literature, and from individuals and have had to use these principles to filter out the noise:
Does it contradict God’s Word? Does it contradict what the Bible says about God? Does it draw me closer to God?
The seasons of singleness, courtship and marriage all have their challenges and I have greatly benefitted from the wisdom of more experienced Christians. Therefore I would like to share the top 3 pieces of advice that have shaped the past few years of my life, firstly as a single woman, courting, engaged and finally married.
1. 'Honour God'
I am a Christian and therefore this might seem obvious, yet it is by far the most important piece of advice I have received. But what does it mean to honour God?
To honour God has meant keeping my eyes fixed on Him. During my single years, I found myself a little distracted and relying on my own efforts in this area of my life. On one such occasion at a Christian conference, God caught my attention with a vivid image of me and Him on a fishing deck surrounded by fish jumping out of the water. He remained silent while I repeatedly asked him which fish He had for me. When I tired myself out and finally looked up at Him, I noticed that He had a fish in His hands for me all along. This image has stuck with me. It was a vivid reminder of Matthew 6:33 - But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. A reminder to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, to be focused on growing in my walk with the Lord and serving Him (1 Corinthians 7:32-34).
To honour God has meant exercising healthy boundaries during my courtship and engagement. This expresses itself differently in each relationship and for me, it involved kissing! Years ago, when I first became a Christian, I vowed to God to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I wanted to see that vow through. Although I had many people tell me that it was too absurd or outdated, I knew that Andrew was the man God had for me because he respected my boundaries and wanted to help me honour this vow that I had made to God.
Finally, to honour God has meant trusting His timing, even when I cannot see Him working! In Genesis 12, God calls Abraham and promises to make him a 'great nation', yet it was not until Chapter 21, that the promised child, Isaac is born. In the chapters in between, we see Abraham and Sarah try to 'help God' and fulfil the promise in their own way because God was not working according to their timeline. In doing so, they caused themselves and others, a great deal of distress. So it is when we take matters into our own hands. We all have plans, goals and timelines, but we ought to commit them all to God (Proverbs 16:3,9) - trusting Him to work things out in His perfect way and in His perfect timing.
2. 'Don't let your level of attachment exceed your level of commitment'
Although I cannot remember where or who this was from, this has been one of the most important pieces of advice that I have received. As I have mentioned before, I believe boundaries are important, and this piece of advice helped me set healthy boundaries in my friendships with the opposite sex, and in my courtship and engagement to Andrew. I wanted my boundaries to reflect the level of commitment I had in that relationship. For example, during our courtship, I did not want my level of emotional and physical attachment to exceed that i.e I did not want to treat Andrew like a husband. It was difficult at times, especially emotionally, however it certainly helped me evaluate our relationship more clearly.
3. 'Compatibility is something you build together'
We live in a 'try before you buy' culture. We are encouraged to live together before we are married to see if we are 'compatible'. However compatibility is not something you are just born with, it is something you develop together.
People are often shocked that Andrew and I did not live together before we were married. Despite loving each other very much and sharing the same faith and values, we had (and still have) our differences. Making the covenant to love and cherish each other in every season of our life enables us to be vulnerable with each other and work on those differences without the pressure of performance, comparison or insecurity. I am reminded here of B cells in our immune system recognising a viral protein. Receptors on B cells are designed to bind specific viral proteins, however they do not fit them 'perfectly'. Once they recognise the protein of interest, B cells introduce changes in their genes to help 'improve the fit' to better respond to the virus. Likewise, when Andrew and I first got married we had to work to 'improve the fit', and marriage removed the pressures imposed by society to help us do just that. One of the key areas for us was communication, where we both had to tweak our styles. For Andrew, it meant being more sensitive, while for me it meant being more open and direct.
I can only speak from my experience, and I don't have a lot to draw from in this area! However, as I benefited from hearing other Christians' experiences, I wanted to share the things that helped me. If you have questions about singleness, courtship or marriage, may I encourage you to firstly seek God, and then to speak to those you trust in your church.
