3 Pieces of advice that helped me navigate Relationships

This Valentine's Day, I have been reflecting on the relationship advice that I have received over the years. At times it was difficult to find godly advice, as worldly wisdom is more readily available! I have had to be intentional in seeking out wisdom and practical advice from Christian literature, and from individuals and have had to use these principles to filter out the noise: Does it contradict God’s Word? Does it contradict what the Bible says about God? Does it draw me closer to God?

The seasons of singleness, courtship and marriage all have their challenges and I have greatly benefitted from the wisdom of more experienced Christians. Therefore I would like to share the top 3 pieces of advice that have shaped the past few years of my life, firstly as a single woman, courting, engaged and finally married.

1. 'Honour God'

I am a Christian and therefore this might seem obvious, yet it is by far the most important piece of advice I have received. But what does it mean to honour God?

To honour God has meant keeping my eyes fixed on Him. During my single years, I found myself a little distracted and relying on my own efforts in this area of my life. On one such occasion at a Christian conference, God caught my attention with a vivid image of me and Him on a fishing deck surrounded by fish jumping out of the water. He remained silent while I repeatedly asked him which fish He had for me. When I tired myself out and finally looked up at Him, I noticed that He had a fish in His hands for me all along. This image has stuck with me. It was a vivid reminder of Matthew 6:33 - But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. A reminder to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, to be focused on growing in my walk with the Lord and serving Him (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). 

To honour God has meant exercising healthy boundaries during my courtship and engagement. This expresses itself differently in each relationship and for me, it involved kissing! Years ago, when I first became a Christian, I vowed to God to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I wanted to see that vow through. Although I had many people tell me that it was too absurd or outdated, I knew that Andrew was the man God had for me because he respected my boundaries and wanted to help me honour this vow that I had made to God.  

Finally, to honour God has meant trusting His timing, even when I cannot see Him working! In Genesis 12, God calls Abraham and promises to make him a 'great nation', yet it was not until Chapter 21, that the promised child, Isaac is born. In the chapters in between, we see Abraham and Sarah try to 'help God' and fulfil the promise in their own way because God was not working according to their timeline. In doing so, they caused themselves and others, a great deal of distress. So it is when we take matters into our own hands. We all have plans, goals and timelines, but we ought to commit them all to God (Proverbs 16:3,9) - trusting Him to work things out in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. 

2. 'Don't let your level of attachment exceed your level of commitment'

Although I cannot remember where or who this was from, this has been one of the most important pieces of advice that I have received. As I have mentioned before, I believe boundaries are important, and this piece of advice helped me set healthy boundaries in my friendships with the opposite sex, and in my courtship and engagement to Andrew. I wanted my boundaries to reflect the level of commitment I had in that relationship. For example, during our courtship, I did not want my level of emotional and physical attachment to exceed that i.e I did not want to treat Andrew like a husband. It was difficult at times, especially emotionally, however it certainly helped me evaluate our relationship more clearly.

3. 'Compatibility is something you build together'

We live in a 'try before you buy' culture. We are encouraged to live together before we are married to see if we are 'compatible'. However compatibility is not something you are just born with, it is something you develop together. 

People are often shocked that Andrew and I did not live together before we were married. Despite loving each other very much and sharing the same faith and values, we had (and still have) our differences. Making the covenant to love and cherish each other in every season of our life enables us to be vulnerable with each other and work on those differences without the pressure of performance, comparison or insecurity. I am reminded here of B cells in our immune system recognising a viral protein. Receptors on B cells are designed to bind specific viral proteins, however they do not fit them 'perfectly'. Once they recognise the protein of interest, B cells introduce changes in their genes to help 'improve the fit' to better respond to the virus. Likewise, when Andrew and I first got married we had to work to 'improve the fit', and marriage removed the pressures imposed by society to help us do just that. One of the key areas for us was communication, where we both had to tweak our styles. For Andrew, it meant being more sensitive, while for me it meant being more open and direct.

I can only speak from my experience, and I don't have a lot to draw from in this area! However, as I benefited from hearing other Christians' experiences, I wanted to share the things that helped me. If you have questions about singleness, courtship or marriage, may I encourage you to firstly seek God, and then to speak to those you trust in your church. 

2021 - Reflecting on a year of “Change”!

What a year this has been folks! A wedding, multiple receptions, moving house, not once but twice, a honeymoon and completing a PhD. My 2021 was ram-packed with change, but throughout it all I have been so in awe of God’s goodness, faithfulness and His sovereignty.

In May, I had the privilege of marrying my best friend, Andrew. He is the answer to a popcorn prayer I prayed in 2013, having just met him for the first time, asking God for a husband like Andrew. Little did I know that God was going to answer that prayer, in His way, and in His time.

Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4

Despite our cultural differences (which were a topic of discussion for my Indian family - but that’s a story for another day!), our shared faith in Jesus has united and strengthened us, helping us navigate through a season of waiting and uncertainty. Even though we were only allowed 15 guests at our pandemic wedding, it was a truly blessed day. We saw God’s hand at work in every detail - from friends and family joining us online from all around the world, to a shower of natural confetti from the cherry blossom tree when we stepped out of the church. It was perfect! God’s ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9) and He is able to do immeasurably more than what we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

If getting married was stressful enough to do in a pandemic, finishing a PhD was worse! The journey was long and incredibly trying at times, but through it all, I have felt God’s presence by my side and His hand at work at every stage. 

When I have been overcome with worry I have heard Him whisper:

“Do not be afraid little flock.” ~ Luke 12:32

 “Be still and know that I am God” ~ Psalm 46:10 

When I have felt inadequate, He has reassured me:

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” ~ Isaiah 41:10

The hours leading up to the submission of my thesis were nothing short of a nightmare. Two laptops crashed and the third struggling, I made the midnight deadline with literally a minute to spare! It honestly felt like God has stopped the clock for me to submit my thesis in time just like He stopped the sun for Joshua (Joshua 10). He is a way maker, a miracle worker and a promise keeper and my PhD journey has helped me see more of who He is and my constant need for Him. 

I started this year in Southampton, unmarried and working on experiments in the lab. I am finishing this year as a married woman, having completed my PhD and now living with my husband in London. Even though a lot has changed, God has been the same - good, faithful and in control.

My dear friends, I pray that as you read these musings that you are encouraged to keep trusting God even in times of waiting and frustration. I pray that you know His constant presence, His immeasurable power and His unchanging love in every season that awaits you in the coming year.

Happy New Year!

Sweet Surrender

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

These words followed me around over the past few days. I would see it pop-up on my devotional, on text messages, social media, name it! God was speaking to me loud and clear, but I was missing the point, over and over again!

It has been a stressful week - with experiments taking longer than intended, work piling up, house-search, family members being unwell, conflicts, and just my usual bouts of over-thinking everything and anything imaginable - I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. While I knew that God is in control and that He eagerly waits for us lay our burdens at His feet, I found it difficult to let go.

Letting go meant embracing uncertainty. It meant that I could no longer try to dictate the course of the journey I was on, or its destination. It meant opening myself up to the possibility that God might have a 'No' or a 'Not yet' when I desperately wanted an immediate 'Yes'. It meant holding my dreams and desires loosely. 

Hence I refused to let go of the rudder. I would rather fall prey to the worries of this world, than lose control of the situation!

However my stubbornness robbed me of peace. My worries were too great a burden for me to bear. I realised that I strived in vain - God was ultimately in control of every situation that bothered me. His plans will prevail over mine, and they are always for my good and His glory. In fact, there was no need to worry, fret or stress about anything! My fretting was not just futile, but silly! He loves me more than anyone in this universe, and if He chooses to withhold something from me, it must be for my good. I needed to trust Him enough to just sit back and enjoy the ride, even if I wasn't sure about the road He was taking.

The prophet Isaiah reminds us that God's thoughts and ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). We often rely on our limited vision of life to dictate our response to the situations that come our way. However God has a bird's eye view of our lives. He knows the past, present and future, and the repercussion of every choice we make. We can trust Him and His ways, even if they don't make sense to us right now. We can surrender our hopes, dreams and worries at His feet, knowing that He is a good and faithful Father who works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). 

We might be facing a storm, but let us not forget that we serve a God who parted the sea, walked on water, and even beat death! Let go of the rudder, refuse to be a back-seat driver and walk into the peace and joy that awaits us when we surrender it all to Jesus.

Then Jesus said to His disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear? For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you - you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom"

~ Luke 12:22-32

Pendennis Head, Falmouth @mywanderinglens

That thorn in my flesh - a blessing in disguise!

It's been a particularly demanding week, where I was forced to confront one of my weaknesses. I had two presentations lined up. While I don't mind presentations, they require me to do something I enjoy but deeply dread - speak in public! I stutter, and I have been since I was seven. Growing up, it often made me an object of ridicule and left me pleading with God for a miracle that never came. Little Cindy wondered why God wouldn't heal the stutter even though He could - and grown-up Cindy often wonders the same during weeks such as this!

While mulling over the tasks at hand, God led me to read 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 - where Paul talks about the 'thorn in [his] flesh'. Like me, Paul had prayed multiple times for the 'thorn' to be removed, and like my stutter, his thorn remained. God was powerful enough to remove his, and He is powerful enough to remove mine. The fact that God allowed the thorn to 'torment' Paul, doesn't question His love towards him, but reaffirms it. Paul recognised that God was using the thorn to keep him 'from becoming conceited', and God reassured Paul that even though the 'thorn' remained, '[His] grace was sufficient' to get him through whatever, and that '[His divine] power was made complete in [Paul's] weakness'.

The same can be said about our weaknesses. Our weaknesses humble us, and serve as a constant reminder of our need for God. My stutter forces me to throw myself into the arms of Jesus. It forces me to cling to Him and trust Him with the outcome. It forces me to acknowledge how small I really am and how big God is. It has served as a reminder, time and again, that I serve a God who never fails, a God who never lets His children down, a God who cares for both my physical and spiritual well-being.

Without weaknesses we would look within ourselves for the strength only God can provide; and we would fail to acknowledge God for the role He plays in our lives. His grace is enough to sustain us, and we can be certain that His strength will rescue us. Therefore, next time you are forced to confront your weaknesses, don't let that toxic trio of doubt, dread and dismay creep in. Instead let us turn to these verses and be reminded that our weaknesses are blessings in disguise, designed to safeguard us from the pride of self-sufficiency itching to consume us. Whatever your weakness, it is neither a surprise, nor a challenge for the God who created this universe. Trust Him with the wheel and let Him amaze you by how He leads you through it, and like Paul, we too will be able to 'delight in [our] weaknesses' and 'boast all the more' in them.

Amy Carmichael - A Mother to the Motherless

Amy Carmichael, was a British missionary from the 1900s who dedicated her life to serving children in South India. Dohnavur Fellowship, the orphanage she founded for children who were abandoned or rescued (often from temple prostitution), still stands today, faithfully serving the Lord.

When I first read about her, I instantly fell in love - in addition to being a courageous Christian woman, she served the part of the world I come from, had a heart that broke for the lost and strove sacrificially, to bring justice to the vulnerable. Her life is nothing short of inspiring and here are a few reasons why...

She did not let convention hinder her calling

Carmichael longed to see the lost saved, whatever the cost. Paraphrasing Paul in his first epistle to the church in Corinth... to the Japanese she became like a Japanese, to the Sri Lankans, she became like a Sri Lankan, and to the Indians she became like an Indian. She recognised that the comfort of familiarity was worth little before the weight of the gospel she bore; hence she let God lead her into places where others failed to go, using means that were frowned upon. Her example reminds us that evangelism has no status quo, and encourages us to break free from socio-cultural taboos for the sake of the gospel.

She honoured the authority of scripture

Stephen Neill was an intelligent young man, who had a Cambridge education and was waiting to be ordained by the Church of England. However he doubted the trustworthiness, hence inspiration and authority of scripture on intellectual grounds. Despite this, to many his credentials made him better suited than Carmichael to take over the work at Dohnavur (or at least help lead it alongside her). Carmichael rightly opposed it!
I've seen many profess faith in Christ yet question the authority of scripture, cherry-pick to their whims and fancies, or totally take passages out of context. What good is a great education, or good morals when it comes to understanding God? If we fail to see Him for who He really is, we will never truly see why we, and the world around us, desperately need Him.
Yes we live an age where the harvest is plenty but labourers are few, but it is also an age rife with false gospels. Carmichael's resolve to uphold the authority of scripture reiterates the fact that we are better off with no labourers at all, than having the wrong kind of labourers.

She sincerely sought to remove anything, in herself or her ministry, that could hinder the salvation of a lost soul

Iain H. Murray, points out in his biography, 'Amy Carmichael - Beauty for Ashes' that Carmichael was so pained upon hearing that many in Dohnavur were yet to know Jesus, that she prayed the following,

'There may be weakness, compromise, lack of determination to keep the winning of souls to the front, the use of unconsecrated means, unsanctified ways of getting money, unconverted workers. There may be an absence of identification with the people for whose sake we are here, an unconscious aloofness not apostolic. Perhaps our love has cooled. Perhaps we know little of the power of the Holy Ghost, and hardly expect to see souls saved here and now, and are not broken down before the Lord because we see so few. God forgive us and make us more in earnest.'

It pains me that I don't seek a revival enough to pray relentlessly. It pains me that I don't care enough about my loved ones to risk rejection to tell them about Jesus. It pains me that I don't bother to rid my life of those 'harmless' sins that I let myself slip into. It pains me that my walk with God is so driven by convenience, that I justify reading a devotional without actually picking up my Bible to meditate on it. Perhaps I ought to make Carmichael's prayer my own! If I really want to see lives saved from an eternity in hell, I ought to strive to live a life that is sold-out for Jesus, in private and in public.

She let God steer the rudder

Amy Carmichael set out to Asia as an evangelist, little did she know that God had something else in store for her. Initially she mothered a number of young girls, but God surprised her with the 'accidental' arrival of a baby boy, and she found herself adapting the work to include little boys. Her life reminds us to hold our dreams and desires loosely but to hold on to God tightly. I have stopped stressing about where I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years time - all I know is that I see myself following God on the path He has set out for me.


These are but few of the many reasons why I find the life of Amy Carmichael inspiring - I would really recommend you delve deeper into her life for yourselves. May we, along with Carmichael and others like her, live a life motivated by love, full of passion for the gospel, and led by the Holy Spirit, completely trusting God.

I would like to end with a little fact I knew nothing about until recently, but it is something that added to my excitement in exploring the life and ministry of this remarkable missionary.
Amy Carmichael travelled with a small group of Tamil Christian women to proclaim the gospel. They called themselves the 'Starry Cluster' based on Daniel 12:3 ~ Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever. It just so happens that a great grandmother of mine, Sellamuthu, was one of the women in the Starry Cluster.

One of my great grand mothers, Sellamuthu, with one of the little girls at Dohnavur. She is said to have had just one arm, but was known for her heart for social justice